Writer, Church leader, Eccentric Nut, Marketer

I'm Church Leader, Writer, Speaker, Marketer, Kindness Project Founder, Broadcaster and Superhero. But most important I'm a Husband, Father and a worshiper of Jesus.

27 July 2010

I'm happy

My family packed my big ole van full of coolers, pillows and inflatable water-monkeys this morning and headed away camping for the week... while I went off to win bread. I zipped down the 403 in my sister's Neon towards Hamilton for my 1621st commute to the soundtrack of the Bob Marley singing "every little ting is gonna be alright". I felt happy.

I woke up happy today, because I went to bed happy... because I AM happy. Last night, after a loving evening with the beautiful woman who was my nearly teenage bride, I actually had an answer to the inevitable late night "what are you thinking?" question. I was remembering what I used to want in life and realizing that at 33... I have pretty much everything I ever really wanted. This picture was taken 1 minute after Kristina said yes to my marriage proposal. It permanently by my bedside when I was away from her during college.

Last night I coached my seven year old son to a close playoff baseball loss on the same field that I fought and lost on 25 years ago. I took my 3 year old daughter pee at 11pm. She was in a half-daze as she squinted open her stunning blue eyes and said, "Daddy we're going camping and we'll sleep in a tent and we'll have everything we need". She's a gorgeous wide-eyed, life-infusing, wild-child that I get the behind the scenes insider view on. As I was on the way out the door today, my 5 year old daughter gave me 4 legit hugs and told me I was handsome. I called her my princess and she glowed. I was happy.

When I was in high school, I wouldn't have been able really identify what I "wanted" out of life. In fact... I intentionally didn't (and was pretty vocal about it) out of principle. I resented those little, unidirectional thinkers that tried to make me verbalize and plan my direction. It all felt like trying to funnel the vast dreams of a wide world full of mystery, treasures undiscovered and people untouched into a gray, narrow tube, leading to one predictable, painful destination. I'd have been damned if that's where I was going.

So what did I want?

I've written and deleted this sentence a couple of times. But I think I wanted to love and be loved. The rest doesn't matter that much. I've never cared that much about "stuff". I remember in the 6th Grade, when people were saying their favorite cars were Lamborghini's and Porches, I always said I wanted a "Big Ass Van"... pretty much just to called the Emperor naked. Even when I was young, I when I saw BS... I said BS. I refused to eat that "S" like I saw too many doing. I suspected it just was as distasteful and destructive as it did turn out to be.

But I did lay awake at night wondering about the deeper truths of life and longing for someone to love... and love me back. I'm not sure if every teenage boy goes to the places I went in my mind, but I desperately wanted to feel OK in my own skin. I wanted to have someone else to watch, laugh at, learn from and experience this world ALONG with me. I wanted someone on my team... forever. What the dreams where, were almost inconsequential. It was the feeling of having them and sharing them and quietly living truth that resonated.

I wanted to have sex (like most teenagers) and thought quite extensively about it (like most teenagers) but the only context that seemed right to me was having it in what Ray and Annie had in Field of Dreams. It was the scene where she sat up in the bed of their farmhouse and said to her husband, who had just gone out on limb and verbalized his crazy dreams, "If you really feel you should do it... you should do it". Ray grabbed her, pulled her close and the lights went off. That's what I wanted. And it's what I have. And it makes me as happy as I thought it would.

I don't trust the quick-quipped, smiley-guru, "you can succeed thing and here's how" thing. It feels like a dull representation of golden truths that have man's grimy, sloppy, sticky hand prints all over it in a well-intentioned but premature effort to claim and share the good things that were hidden so each could discover them.

I kinda like how Bugs Bunny functions in this world. That rabbit could have had it all. He was smart enough to be King. He could manipulate, encourage, and win EVERY situation. But he didn't really do it. Instead he found the things that were really important, like eating carrots and happily playing the banjo, then used what he'd been given to live the genuine truths of life... and had a lot of enjoyment in each scenario once the truth had been established as the absolute.

It's the dancing in the minefields that's the truth. The mines... don't really matter. Even the destination at the end of the dance... doesn't really matter that much. We'll get there someday. Just chill. It's dancing the dance itself with a big smile on that matters.

1 comment:

Patti said...

smiling at this post. :) it's a good one.

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